I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
