we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
