in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
