Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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