I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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