you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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