I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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