Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
