Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
