im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
