The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
