i think my tv is drunk
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Randomize
