i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
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