I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
