The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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