I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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