What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
