we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
i came on her dog
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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