We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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