Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
