fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
