I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
