My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
