I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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