the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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