I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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