i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
