I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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