Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
BRING THE BAGELS
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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