Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Randomize
