MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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