Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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