I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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