Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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