Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
