Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Boobs are out for the taking
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
