If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
