im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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