If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
