idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
