we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
We're using joints as your birthday candles
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
