he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Randomize
