6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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