The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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