Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize