The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
