A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
