I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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