Capitaan dildo arrescate!
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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