I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Randomize
