I don't remember. Are we still dating?
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
