If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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