how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
