I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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