Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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