Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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