I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
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