Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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