How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize